I will fight this battle until I am totally victorious…

Why am I fighting for my healing? In a world that tries so hard to tell us who we are, who we should be, what our dreams should look like, what we should and shouldn’t look like, how we should do this, how we shouldn’t do this, we have to be brave and courageous and truly fight to be ourselves and to live an authentic life that feels just as amazing on the inside as it looks on the outside. We have to work hard to shove off appearances and go after real joy, real love, real relationships, and design a life we truly love and also a life we can use to fulfill our God given purpose in the earth. 

 Many of us walk around for years, maybe even decades or more unaware that we even need radical healing.

We keep ourselves in a state of constant medication. The medication of choice is different for each of us. For some it’s shopping, others its being surrounded by friends, it could be alcohol, perfectionism, a string of relationships, eating patterns, or many many other creative ways to feel better when pain strikes. 

Many of these things are innocent when enjoyed in healthy ways. The problem is  not necessary the medication, it runs deeper than that. It’s why we so desperately need the healing process. If we quit a “bad habit or unhealthy  pattern” without the hard work of healing, then we often just replace one vice for another more “acceptable” one. But whether our medication is alcoholism or perfectionism or pleasing others, or something else, the deep pain is the root that needs to be pulled and the wound tended to gently so that full healing takes place in the mind and soul.

A few years ago, I was walking around completely unaware that I was carrying such heavy burdens. I didn’t know for several of the same reasons other people may not know…. first, everything in my life looked beautiful and rosy. Sometimes, we are so close to dysfunction, we can’t see it. Or, another scenario is that we are so accustomed to carrying the burden, we dont even know what it feels like not to have it.  Second, my medication of choice was working well. I used perfectionism, pleasing others, and a constant state of busyness to avoid feeling. Last, I was in denial. I am sure there are more,  but those are the main things that kept me pretty much unaware that I was in any type of inner turmoil.

My life seemed, “fine.” Except it wasn’t, I was carrying around deep pain from childhood. I had been rejected and mocked and taunted. I was also still shouldering shame and regret from choices I had made when I was a teenager. And I was also holding on tightly to a lie that I was solely responsible for the healing and  happiness of my spouse. I was living a lie that if I could just be everything he wanted me to be, I would find my self worth. I was trying hard to be everything to everyone, yet in the process, I was completely abandoning who I was designed to be. Just pretending to be someone you’re not, is exhausting enough, but to do it for the very people who are supposed to love you for who you really are is emotionally damaging.

For me, I was forced to make radical life changes to begin my healing process. Once you realize your own worthiness of love and acceptance, everything looks different. Suddenly, you realize that some people just can’t come along on your journey anymore. You will know these people because they will fight against your healing. They will try to get you to return to your medication. They will be offended or even intimidated by your health. They may say, “Come on, it’s just one drink. Or, you’re not really going to give up x,y, or z are you?” They may even taunt you and tell you that you’re no fun anymore. These statements are not innocent, they are an assault against your healing journey. People who don’t want to face their own demons want to keep others imprisoned too. They will use words, actions, and sometimes even threats to keep you sick and more fun to play with… This is not the mark of the love of a true friend or even spouse. True love wants what’s best for their loved ones.

I am going to fight hard for total and complete healing because my mind and my heart and my soul and my body are all tired of pretending. I am going to fight for my healing because I deserve healing. Here are the main reasons I am choosing this battle:

1. My children. My precious children deserve authenticity. My desire is that they love, accept, and even honor themselves. That they believe so wholeheartedly in their own worth, that no one is ever able to tell them otherwise . My prayer is that they are not moved to be defined by their grades in school, by their status, by their friends opinion of them, by the remarks from a teacher, relative, or from social media. That they are completely sure of their value that rests completely on just being themselvesNothing more.  We can’t teach our children that which we are not living. I can’t teach them healthy boundaries, self love, speaking words of life, resting in their faith in the Lord, healthy self talk, etc. if I am not living it too. We cannot teach our children how to have a healthy lifestyle. We have to MODEL it. It’s the only way. There is no shortcut. So I am fighting to make my life the healthiest it can be on the inside and the outside, so they can have a healthy life as they grow into young adults. They will know how to say no and mean it.  How to speak kindly to themselves and others. How to avoid gossip and remove themselves from a toxic converstion. How to encourage a friend. How to pray through despair. How to spot a good friend. How to forgive themselves. How to forgive others. These types of healthy habits have to be lived out by me, while my children are watching. I will fight for healing for them.

2. I will fight for total healing because my medication of choice sucks. I lived in a constant state of perfectionism, busyness, and pleasing others for 20+ years. It’s a horrible burden and one that I could never reach. We were never ever designed to be perfect. We were never ever designed to be busy all of the time, and we were never designed to please everyone or really anyone. One thing that is interesting about my medication is that they stem from “good” things. Being the best you can be and working at something to the very best of your ability is honorable, perfection is not. It’s the extreme, unhealthy result of a people pleasing addiction. Wanting to do kind and loving things for others is also a wonderful attribute, but it’s the extreme end of this desire that is unhealthy. What I have  found is that many of the things we use to bandaid or cover our pain are masked as these harmless things. Yet, it’s the driving force behind the drink, the shopping trip, the indulgent meal, the hectic work schedule  that is the root of the issue.

3. I will fight for total healing because I want to be able to walk whole and healed and healthy so that I can help others. I want to be brave enough to dig through my own mud pile, so that I can take my shovel and knock on a friend’s door, and say, “We got this!” I will fight for my healing because we as women have accepted our lives as “this is just the way it is,” for way too long. I will rise and become all God has destined me to be and I will speak truth, so that many more will also rise into their God given destinies. 

Lord, I bring before You the beautiful woman reading this post. I pray she is able to see clearly what is hurting her and she is brave enough to pick up her battle weapons and fight against it. I pray she begins to see hope and that her dreams are restored to her. I pray for her to feel a renewed belief in herself, her value, and her amazing purpose in the earth. Lord, reveal to her her inner strength. 

In Jesus’ name, Amen.


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