Good Morning Gorgeous,
It’s a brand new day. A fresh start. The dawn will break the darkness soon. A reminder that God’s light will shine on the darkness we face in our lives.
Here’s more of my “but and suddenly”
The phone rang just as I had let my guard down. I had begun to dream of forever with her. I had let the days of caring for a newborn lull me into forgetting she was still under the care and supervision of the state. I had slipped into role of mommy without regard to protecting my heart, and I would do that all over again. So, one moment carefree new mommy, the next fear gripped ahold of me and I had to will myself to keep breathing. The call was our guardian ad litems. They were calling to ask us if we had requested to have Nia moved to another home. Heart pounding. Palms sweaty. Take phone off bluetooth so that my 7 year old can’t hear because I can see the panic already forming on her face. The guardians sound confused like they are unsure now of the information they received. We talk for a few moments and they share that they got notice about baby girl moving homes. I tell them that I don’t know anything, and I haven’t heard anything. The information after that starts to come in waves. The big, overwhelming waves that knock you off of your feet, and then just as you stand, the next one knocks you over again before you can even steady yourself from the last blow. I didn’t know what to do, but I prayed.
Another call comes the next day, and yes it’s true. There is another family who has stepped forward. They would like baby girl to be transferred to their care, and they have already adopted her brother a few years ago. The move is being approved unless I object and request a staffing meeting to discuss baby girl’s best interests. The woman on the other line sounds as if the decision is already made and her voice sounds as if she is just offering me the opportunity to call a meeting as a formality. I jump on this sliver of hope and tell her, “Yes. I would like to schedule that meeting.” The meeting is scheduled and it falls on the same day as our family portraits were to be taken at the beach. I had made the appointment a few weeks earlier, and the clothes were all laid out and ready to go.
In the fog of grief, fear, shock, I didn’t cancel the pictures. I was living moment to moment trying to keep caring for my kiddos while I felt like crumbling. I may have felt like crumbling, but I didn’t. I found a place to go where I could be set on solid ground. I ran to Jesus and He met me in my darkest moments. I prayed haaaard. I stopped anyone who would listen and begged for prayer. A pastor from our church called to discuss something unrelated and I bawled out my prayer request. He prayed. I dropped Addy off at dance camp at our church, and saw a woman working at the information desk. I stopped her and begged for prayer. Anyone who called me or talked to me during that time, I just asked for prayer. I knew God could work a miracle. What I didn’t know was if it was part of my baby girl’s plan to stay with me. So I was begging God to let me be her mommy in one breath and in the next I would sob, “I trust Your will over her life whatever that looks like.” Those were the hardest prayers I’ve ever prayed. The prayers of trust. When I didnt know what to pray, I would simply pray…. “I trust You. I trust You. I trust You.” I leaned into Jesus. It was hard, but I prayed.
The day of the meeting arrived. I dressed baby girl through tears. I arrived and there in the waiting room was a woman whom my Spirit just knew was the other momma. I sat right next to her and introduced myself. I reached down and unbuckled Nia and took her out of her carrier. We both had tears streaming down our cheeks. She could feel my grief. I could feel her desire to have a bio sibling for her son. This was bigger than both of us, and I believe we both felt the heaviness of the whole situation settle over us. It was hard, but I prayed.
The meeting was confusing. There were various opinions of professionals shared. Nia’s beautiful guardian ad litems were there. They spoke up on her behalf, and shared that she was in a family that she had already bonded to. There were so many facets to this meeting, and it was hard. There were reasons why she should be with the other family and reasons why she should stay with us. It was hard to hear and hard to participate. I had a vision of our two families getting to know each other and somehow sharing life together. I shared my vision, and at the close of the meeting baby girl was going to start sibling visits, followed by overnights, and followed by a possible transition to the other home. I left in pieces. I turned to the other mommy and made plans to start the first visit the next day. We shared phone numbers and schedules and set a time. My whole world was imploding. I drove home, crawled in bed, grieved and prayed. The decision seemed to have been made, but I prayed.
As I layed in bed, I remembered….. family portraits that night at 6pm on the beach….. I thought to myself…. “How in the world will I ever pull it together for family pictures in just a few hours?” But, I prayed.
As the time drew near to dress the kids, an inner strength rose up inside of me that was bigger than my emotions or feelings in that moment. I wanted to stay in bed and grieve. Instead, I got up and dressed 5 little people for pictures.
We pulled into the beach parking lot and my stomach churned. This was supposed to be a happy occasion. I was so excited when I had booked this session. The photographer walked over and I started crying. I stumbled through the story and shared that my baby might not be staying forever. She looked at me and asked what I wanted to do about the pictures. She didnt have to come out and ask directly…I knew what she meant… Do we include the baby in the family pics? Right then and there, I felt a new resolve. A new strength to fight for my miracle. And it doesn’t look at all like earthly warfare. It’s the weapons of the heavenlies, and they are more powerful than human weapons.
I told the photographer, “Put her in every family photo and every photo that you take with all of the kids. There is no back up plan, no what if pictures. These photos will be my declaration in the earth that God’s gonna move this mountain and pave a way.” Everything that had happened that day and all I could see with my eyes said, the battle was lost. But, I prayed. I declared and spoke my assurance in God’s provision, and I began to move like the miracle was already done.
That’s how we battle. We win our battles on our knees drenched in sweat and tears. We win our battles as we move and walk like people who have already receieve their miracle even before they see any earthly sign. We pray, and trust, and pray, and trust and we listen closely to Holy Spirit instructions. We obey when He says to stay and we obey when He says to take the next step.
I think sharing the private intimate details of my pain and struggle during that time is healing for me. I never planned to stretch the story beyond the first blog post, yet as I write the memories are so vivid that the details are hard to skip over. So, here I am another day in and I haven’t finished.
It is a but and suddenly moment, so you know it must include a miraculous move of God. It does….. and I will finish it on my next post. What I can share is the but I prayed part lasted about 2 weeks. There was a period of almost 2 weeks that I begged for a miracle. I prayed, trusted, worshipped, prayed, asked others to pray, and then I declared on the beach that I was going to see my miracle manifest. I moved like I already had an answer from God. 2 weeks of crashing waves of bad news that I just kept praying, and my SUDDENLY came the very next day after those pictures were taken. God moved the NEXT day.
Prayer, worship, faith & trust, and the words we declare with our mouth- Those are our weapons that we can use to access and partner with the activity of heaven.
Friends, your “but and suddenly” is ahead. Go after it. Grab prayer partners to stand with you in faith. Reach out to people to pray. This story of my baby girl has stirred up so many emotions in my heart, and one of the things I remember so clearly was how many people I reached out to pray for me. This week a woman whom I haven’t seen in months came up to me at school and told me about her husband’s diagnosis. She then asked, “Will you pay for me? I’ve been asking everyone! I’m desperate.” My jaw dropped. I knew that desperation. When she was finished telling me the story. I prayed with her right there in the hallway of my school right next to the elevator. If there’s power in prayer, healing in prayer, movement in heaven when we pray, then we gotta pray like its going to do something. We have to start praying with believers and taking God at His word… Whenever 2 or 3 gather together in my name, I will be there. I could use the Presence of God in the battlefield!
This was 2 days of telling you about my prayers, and that’s how it goes sometimes… days, weeks, months, years of prayers. It looks like nothing is happening, no change has occurred. Remember the sunrise. It rises after an whole evening of seeming no movement in the earth. Your miracle is coming. Keep praying!
Dear Heavenly Father,
Equip us to pray continually and boldly for the mountains to move. Lord, please let us see our mountains GO! In Jesus’s name, Amen