I have no idea where this is going. I am actually afraid somewhat of where it may lead because God has given me glimpses of what He is asking me to do, and quite honestly, I am scared. But being scared opens opportunity to be brave.
Too scared to act? No.
Too scared to speak? No.
Too scared to write? No…..Why?
Because I know that where He leads, He will provide.
I know that even though I have struggled with decades of people pleasing and watching that every word I speak is carefully filtered and unoffensive, that whatever has closed my mouth and kept me silenced is being broken off of me.
Being kind, peaceful, and patient are virtues and oh so valuable. God is not calling me to share anything mean spirited or condemning, but He is calling me to speak truth. A truth that may offend some. A truth that is uncomfortable and waaaayyy out of my comfort zone, waaay out of my area of knowledge, and waaayy out of my “personal agenda.” But see my daily prayer for years now has been, “Your will God, not mine. Your ways Lord, not mine. Your plans God to supersede mine.”
Friends, those are SCARY prayers because God answers them! He will remove your own disastrous plans and unfruitful paths and replace them with His. And when He does, a great deal of trust is involved. There is usually kickback and lies from the enemy, because:
- God will use us in ways to take back the kingdom.
- He will use us to demolish strongholds.
- He will use us in mighty ways to bring heaven’s perfect order back to the earth.
And what is required on our part? Submission, trust, faith, and courage to MOVE our feet when called into action. If the enemy can keep us spinning our wheels after our own success apart from the mighty God sized plans that were made for us long before we were born, then the enemy can stall the impact we were originally designed to have in the earth. If the enemy can dwell in our deepest fears and feed us lies, then we won’t move and we will miss our chance to partner with the activity of heaven. And I don’t want to miss one assignment from the Lord, although I know I do sometimes miss assignments. I sometimes whisper, “No.” out of fear.
But God, in His infinite grace keeps faithfully giving me new chances. He doesn’t fire me like an earthly boss may when an employee refuses to follow a directive. No, instead He embraces me, listens to my fears and wild excuses, and then He reaffirms me. He speaks truth to my trembling Spirit. He names me, “Courageous” even while I haven’t done anything courageous yet! You see, He sees me as He created me, as I truly am, not as I view myself.
And over the years God has done alot of work on me in the area of releasing me from the chains of endless people pleasing. Not the healthy kind that makes us strive for our personal best or the kind that nurtures relationships. That kind of people pleasing is just part of working well with others, and giving whatever we’ve been assigned to our integrity and our attention. I am talking about debilitating people pleasing that caused me to be unable to say no in many situations, unable to see my value and my own needs in my first marriage, and worst of all, unable to speak up. It meant a loss of my voice slowly over time.
And my voice and willingness to take a stand is something that the Lord instilled in me as a very young child, and I believe it to be part of my God given design for His purposes. I was a LOUD child, outspoken, sometimes unfiltered and brutally honest, passionate for justice, boldly spoke about my love for Jesus, and my plans to serve Him in wild ways. My gifts hadn’t completely come under the reign of the Holy Spirit yet. They were a bit much. But then, the enemy who is after our purpose will begin our destruction by going after our identity and our God given design. And what did he attack? My voice.
Earthly rejection, witnessing the near murder of my precious mother, and the slow realization that my life wasn’t like my friends’ lives left me with a desire to cover, hide, and become perfect at appearing “normal”. How does one do that? You learn to read people well. You learn to say what they want to hear. You learn to never, ever speak out of bounds or rock any boats. And when a momentary lapse does occur. A moment when you speak up, speak out, take a stand, and words bubble out before you can stuff them back down, immediate shame washes over you. You hate that hot feeling, and so you learn to avoid it at all costs.
Friends, this person that I am describing WAS me in the past, but it IS NOT me now. It certainly is not who God designed me to be. He is working on me daily to break those chains and then He is also reminding me to walk forward and never pick them up again. I have reclaimed my voice. I am able to write and speak and share again the things that are precious and dear and valuable. I am able to rebuke the lies of the enemy, and stand on holy ground with Jesus because He names me Worthy.
But now God in His all sufficient grace has asked me to take my voice and strengthen it even further. He is asking me to tell stories I frankly don’t want to tell. He is asking me to share parts of my childhood that kept me locked in shame, because I spent my whole life pretending all was well. The thing about shame is that it is a tool the enemy uses to silence us, because once we talk, once we step through the scary door and open a window to let light finally shine into the darkest places that we have been covering up, shame loses ALL power! Shame grows in darkness and flees in the light.
And many of us carry shame for things we had absolutely no control over. None. I didn’t choose my father. I didn’t choose to experience trauma. I didn’t choose to live in poverty. Yet, I covered it all in shame like it was a big secret I had to keep because it meant something about my value. Like I was less of a person because I was living in poverty. Like I was less of a person because I didn’t have a father or worse the truth was my father was evil. Like pure evil. How was any of that my fault? It wasn’t, but tell a 7 year old that. Maybe if someone told me that I would have believed them, but no one did. I spent my childhood covering and protecting and covering only to walk right down the aisle and into the arms of someone else who was hurting. This made for a perfect storm and gave the enemy a chance to use my husband to solidify my suspicion that something was wrong with me. So, my voice further suffered, until the end of my 14 year marriage, when I bravely reclaimed my voice the moment I bravely said, “No more.”
No more will I let my identity be attacked. No more will I allow myself to be told that something is wrong with me. No more will I see myself as others see me. I began to allow the truth of God’s Word shape my thoughts, my actions, and my voice. He said that I was planned before the foundation of the earth. He said He knit me and formed me in my mother’s womb. He said that He designed me on purpose and with a purpose. That every feature, every unique character trait was actually purposeful and intentional as He planned me for kingdom work. My identity was restored to me FIRST, and then my voice was restored NEXT. And it is an ongoing process to regain my voice and learn to speak truth amidst the lies of the world.
But, the world is desperate for the truth of God. The world needs the truth of God. The world is hurting and only Jesus has the healing salve. So what is God calling me to speak about? What is He calling me out of the boat and onto stormy waters for? I believe with all of my heart that I am being called to speak about the value of human life. The value of every child conceived and formed in the womb. I am terrified. My heart is racing as I type because this topic is hot and controversial. And in all transparency, I run from controversy the moment it even peeks around the corner. I don’t like heated debates. I don’t like arguments. I don’t like speaking against someone else’s beliefs. I can share the love of Jesus all day long. I can share the gospel and the promises of God even to unbelievers. I can defend the love of Jesus for all of humanity, but try to engage me in a hot political topic…. I shut down. I share that because I want you to know my heart. I don’t desire to engage in debate, but God is saying, “It’s not about debating. It’s about God using what I do best already….Sharing that Jesus preplanned and predestined all of humanity and that He loves you wildly, compassionately, and He will go to great lengths to make sure you know it.”
- His love doesn’t begin the moment we take our first breath of air.
- His love doesn’t begin when we are viable.
- His love for you didn’t even begin at conception.
- His love for you began before the shaping of the very earth we walk upon!
- His love is what breathed humans right into existence.
- You were planned before the foundation of the world.
- You were planned for this moment in history to impact the world around you.
And when we begin to believe that as TRUTH for ourselves. That WE were pre-planned long ago, purposed, and chosen, and knit in our mother’s womb, then we have to also believe that to be true for every child. How could the scriptures be just for us, and not for every child of God? And who gave humans the right to choose which of God’s children get to live or die? When were we given that role of decision making? When do we get to decide who gets to live beyond the womb? The truth is… we weren’t. But we, (as in our country and many countries across the globe). We ( as in humanity as a whole )have believed a tragic lie that was sold to us by the great deceiver.
The enemy went straight for the target: our identity.
He has made entire generations believe that a child is disposable. And if a teenager or adult believes the lie that a child in the womb is disposable, then their own identity and value and divine purpose becomes questionable. They can now question their own identity. They question if God really chose them before the foundations of the earth. They question if God’s promises are true. It’s nearly impossible to believe both things at once: that you are a chosen, pre-planned, designed child of God and also believe in abortion. Because the two don’t reconcile, so as we choose to believe in the importance to allow women to choose to end the life inside of them, we also lose our own belief in our own God given identity. Its a mass destruction of the worst kind. The enemy devalues human life by attacking the unborn, and it unravels and devalues all human life.
This is one of those hard topics, but hard doesn’t mean we should avoid talking about it. When we avoid topics because they are hard, we silently agree that they are okay. That is how a bully at school rises to power, no one steps in and speaks out against the injustice. So his or her power grows as the onlookers stare and do nothing out of fear. The same goes for any injustice that the public watches. And right now, there is a direct attack on our precious, pre-planned, chosen, and formed by God treasures: our children. If they are a choice, then we also were a choice. That pulls the foundation right out from under us if we choose to believe that lie.
I choose to stand on truth. Truth that absolutely no child is unplanned. That even in the darkest of situations, each child conceived is precious and of abundant value. Just as much value and right to live as you or I.
So why share this now? Honestly, in all seriousness, I am petrified to push submit and share this now. But courage is rising up to share despite my fears of rejection. Courage is rising to speak up for the voiceless and the innocent. And I’m sharing now because a very special 40 days is about to begin, and for the first time ever, I plan to participate. It starts on September 25th and ends November 3rd. It is a 40 day nonstop prayer vigil held all over the globe to pray for the end of abortion. Praying for hearts to soften, women to be healed and cared for, children to be given a chance to live and walk out their destiny, and praying to ultimately end the taking innocent lives that are formed and fashioned by the very Hands of God. The same Hands of God that formed and fashioned you and I. I am joining this movement with knees trembling, heart racing, and a large temptation to run and hide. Yet I will courageously move my feet even when they want to freeze. I will write about the uncomfortable, and I will come into the light and refuse to shrink into the shadows. I absolutely adore women. I love them. I want to see them prosperous, firm in their Christ given identity, and assured of their purpose. I pray that as I share and pray and stand for life that women feel the love pouring from my words and my prayers. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. There is love, and life, and healing.
I will share more as I get involved. I don’t know what this will look like yet, but I am trusting that where God leads, He provides. For now, it begins with a simple prayer.
“Dear Lord, Let love Your Love flow from every word that I write, every prayer that I utter, and every move that I take in the earth.” In Jesus’s name, Amen.
Want to join me? Find a local 40 Days for Life Event near you! https://www.40daysforlife.com/
Blessings everyone! I pray you read this and feel the love of Christ wash over you.