The Maybe Days…

I am sitting in my recliner in my bedroom. I have the chair reclined all the way back and wrapped around my neck are the little, loving arms of my three month old daughter. Her breathing is steady and she is fast asleep nestled into my neck. Every once in a while, a sweet heavy sigh of total comfort will escape from her and she may give a little wiggle to readjust herself into my neck. These are the moments that mommies cherish. The quiet moments when all is just as it should be.

For me these quiet moments are both absolutely heaven and also a time that I have to work really hard not to let my mind race with a million what ifs.

My baby girl and I are deep in the trenches of the maybe days. She is my foster daughter. Entrusted to me at just 18 days old, and I have poured my all into her. Every fabric of motherhood that I have has been woven into caring for her. I hold her endlessly, I whisper in her ear, “I love you.” I sing to her. I pray over her daily, usually multiple times a day. I pray for her safety, her heart, her destiny.

I am all in when it comes to parenting my children and this precious baby girl is no exception. She has been absolutely covered with love, kisses, lullabies, and just pure adoration.
So here in this moment, I both cherish the quiet and simultaneously work hard to silence the worries. The wondering about what our future holds and if my baby girl will grow up on my lap. I believe in the foster care system. I believe in the outpouring of love into children that may be with us for just a season. I know that sometimes a foster family is just part of a child’s destiny. Yet, this baby girl and I adore each other. She stops and stares intently when I enter the room. She quiets when I begin to talk. She smiles and lights up when I hold her. We have a bond that is every part mommy and daughter.

I pray that I can give this baby girl everything. A strong, secure start. A healthy attachment. A firm identity. A relationship with her biological siblings, and a loving family that she can always hold tight to. I love her with a mother’s protective love, and I plan to cherish every moment with her whether I’m given a part of her journey or a lifetime.
(I’m praying for a lifetime.)

I hold her close. I kiss her neck. I whisper in her ear, “I love you baby girl.”

God protect us through the maybe days…


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